Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
