can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
