just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
