can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
