hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
