Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
