His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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