There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
