Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
