This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
