I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
