If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
