He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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