Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
