Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
