I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
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Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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