Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
