Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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