Umm I'm too high to move.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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