Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
