From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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