Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
