I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
