apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
