I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
