Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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