my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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