Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
