There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
