I'm gonna have a badass scar
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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