How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
