I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I need water and some morals
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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