Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
