Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
