either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
