so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
