can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Someone came in the potted fern
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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