there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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