ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
