It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
