You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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