someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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