I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
