If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
