I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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