My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
