ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
