I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
