dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
