When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
