I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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