He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We have started to decorate penises.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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