I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My feet surprised me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
