hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
