You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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