just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize